my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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