If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
