but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
