My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
