My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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