If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So much Jack, so little girl.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize