we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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