I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
