my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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