We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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