So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Two words: blizzard sex
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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