I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
