I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
