Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
