I could make wine with my vomit
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
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