On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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