That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
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i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
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State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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