bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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