You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I need water and some morals
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
