Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Boobs speak an international language.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
