I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Randomize
