My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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