Plan B is the new Plan A
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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