i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
