you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
