i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
