just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
