It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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