I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
