Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.