I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
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Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
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i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?