You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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