I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
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