just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
