he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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