I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
