If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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