her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
