So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize