somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
