He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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