Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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