I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
