when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
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the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
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It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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