There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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