and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
