i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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