could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
you're hired as official boob wrangler
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
