i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
