I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I'm way too hungover for life right now
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
