I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
