my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
