I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
