you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
