Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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